I've said before that there is more to domestic violence than just the physical abuse. One of the most effective tools my abuser had at his disposal was finances. Money. Without it, how can a victim leave? For me, it wasn't just a denial of money. There was more to it.

I ended up with my credit destroyed, which is making it very difficult for me to find an apartment. It also cost me jobs. I applied for a job, and everything looked good... until they requested my credit score because I would have access to a company credit card. Nevermind that I have no idea what most of the items on my credit report are because I didn't authorize them.

He forged checks on my personal bank account. Stole one right out of my purse; he stole it from the middle of the checkbook, knowing I don't often write checks. When he went out to the store one night, I found the phone (he hid it and disconnected the battery - it was a cordless, and the only one we had) and called the bank - I was shocked. A huge check that I didn't write had posted to my account and bounced. Huh? So I opened my box of refills.. and guess what? One of the refill packs was missing, too. Never did find it, but I know now that he took it. He wrote a check from it while I was at the courthouse filing my protection from abuse order. Again, it bounced, and I was assessed a fee. Even though I had placed a stop order on the check.

I had had housing assistance. He was head of household at the end. He took full advantage of that and lied to them, too. Of course, the housing authority refuses to acknowledge that I didn't know anything about it until it was too late, and now I can't get help with affording a place on my own.

So - he's managed to leave me with ruined credit, a looted bank account, not enough income to afford a place (I'm disabled) and being told I can't receive assistance... and I'm supposed to start over HOW?

Labels: abuse, credit, domestic violence, financial abuse, housing, recovery, survivor

I couldn't sleep, so I was flipping through channels. Some time ago, I had made a comment to some friends just how violent our entertainment had become. I had at the time been rather heavily medicated after having surgery and had woken up in the middle of the night. I couldn't get back to sleep, and ended up watching a documentary about gladiators in Ancient Rome. During a commercial, I changed the channel and landed on some wrestling match. And then I started thinking... and just had to write down what went through my mind. I made a semi-serious observation that the more downhill Roman society went, the more violent/bloody/exotic the entertainment spectacles became, and well, what did that say about our society?

Now I'm sitting here watching TV again because I can't sleep. I couldn't help but think back to that night of watching TV after my surgery. This time, because of my situation, I decided that I was going to look at the whole thing in a slightly different way. Instead of looking at entertainment as a reflection on society as a whole, what about looking at it in a smaller context? Like... in the context of interpersonal relationships? Marriage, family, friendships.

I wish I could say I was surprised at how much bullying, name-calling, violence and abuse was shown, often in the name of comedy. Maybe I was a little, but not much. It's a sad commentary on society.

Does this mean that things were necessarily better way back when there were no 4-letter words on TV? Of course not. But maybe it means that we should be more aware of the way people are treated in our entertainment. Maybe that's a step on the way to treating people better in reality. I don't know.

Labels: abuse, bullying, domestic violence, entertainment, relationships, survivor, television

It feels like it'll never end, like I'll never manage to be able to start over. I just keep telling myself I can do it. I've done it before.

Today is one of those days. Got a letter from an apartment complex I'd applied to. I was really hoping that it'd be okay. I guess I should have expected them to turn me down, but to have it be only because they insist that hubby and I owe them money? Um. No.

I shouldn't owe them anything. I did nothing wrong. I didn't know about VAWA, I didn't know I could have asked for the lease to be split into two, didn't know I could have talked to the housing authority separately about the problems he caused with the assistance and could have asked them to split the agreement and leave assistance with me & the kids. I didn't know anything. Now that I do, it's probably too late.

I am angry. How can I be blamed for things I didn't do, had no control over, and tried desperately to fix? The whole time I was trying to fix everything, my husband sat there, doing nothing to help. Maybe bankruptcy is an option.

Labels: abuse, children, domestic violence, financial abuse, recovery, survivor

I'm hoping this is a good sign:
Biden Announces White House Advisor on Violence Against Women

Vice President Biden announced today that Lynn Rosenthal will be the White House adviser on Violence Against Women, a new position created to work with the president and vice president on domestic violence and sexual assault issues.

Good! Maybe this will mean progress:

Rosenthal most recently served as the executive director of the New Mexico Coalition Against Domestic Violence and has focused on domestic violence issues like housing, state and local coordinated community response, federal policy, and survivor-centered advocacy.

We can hope.

Labels: abuse, Biden, domestic violence, Obama

Dismiss the effects of intimidation, control, violence in a family? The effects are devastating. My family has been shattered by domestic violence. Part of the problem is a lack of resources - the economy is a mess, and there is simply not enough to go around. Part of the problem is lack of understanding - many people believe that domestic violence is only when he raises a hand against me, which is just not so.

One of the best tools we have to combat domestic violence is information. What it is, where to go for help, how to protect yourself. There is so much information out there. Unfortunately, there are also a lot of misconceptions.

Labels: abuse, domestic violence, recovery

How some people just seem to be able to walk away from things like this. My abuser is walking around, free as a bird. I didn't think that I could press charges because he didn't leave a mark on me that I could point to and say "He did this", and the only witness I have is my daughter. I probably should have pressed charges, or at least tried.

I am stunned by the fact that Chris Brown is getting what amounts to a slap on the wrist. And Rihanna seems okay with this? I know this is sort of 'old news', but I've been pretty slow to comment about it because I wanted to really think it through first. My daughter used to love Chris Brown. She has decided that she will levy her own brand of justice - she's started a little boycott among her friends. I don't know that it'll accomplish much, but she's voting with her feet... or in this case, ears. I wonder what would happen if her little boycott grew? Would it have an impact (if the reason for it were made clear)?

How many abusers walk the streets, totally unaffected by the consequences of their actions? How many of them are walking around while their victims are struggling with the aftermath of the abuse?

Labels: abuse, Chris Brown, domestic violence, Rihanna

After my appointment yesterday, I took a few moments to read some paperwork that I had picked up about low-income housing. With just my income, there is no way I can afford a place to live, and I need help. Period.

My husband had been head of household when we had housing assistance before. He made a horrible mess out of it. Looking back, I think it was one of those "If I screw up the bank, she has no money to leave me. If I screw up housing assistance, she can't afford a place of her own. If I screw up her credit, she can't get a place of her own." Why didn't I see it then? Maybe I did a little. Something felt 'off', but I couldn't put my finger on it, and every time I asked about things, I got a vague assurance that everything was taken care of. Pushing made him angry. I learned not to push. So I guess in a way, I believed him because I sort of had to. Or felt like I had to. Or something like that. The bottom line is that he was extremely intimidating, and he had tried to kill me in the past. How do you even begin to confront someone like that?

Actually, I did confront him this May. His response to me telling him that he was lying to me and stealing to me was to initially deny it. When I told him I knew the truth, he attacked me. He threatened to kill me. He tried to strangle me.

How can the authorities expect me to sit next to him at a table and talk to them with him sitting next to me, especially when what I have to say is... unflattering... to him? Then, they hold me responsible for what he did. Would it really have mattered if I'd spoken up (other than me probably ending up at the hospital)? I don't know.

Labels: abuse, domestic violence, economic abuse, financial abuse, housing, recovery, survivor

Yesterday, I had a tooth pulled. Today, I had an appointment for counseling. They're doing a psych evaluation. I finally admitted to myself that maybe I might need some extra help to deal with all the fallout from the abuse, even after I leave the shelter system. I called my local mental health/mental retardation/substance abuse office and made an appointment to see if I'd qualify for county mental health care/counseling. I did. Today was the second part of the evaluation - so far I've done about 6 hours worth of it. Next week, I'll go back and finish up. Then, I'll hopefully find out soon what, if anything, help/treatment might help me. I don't even know for sure whether there is something 'wrong', but I've had a few domestic violence counselors mention that my kids and I have been through a very traumatic experience, and I/we should be checked out for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. When they put it that way, it made perfect sense. I called, made the appointment, and am now working on sorting out the mess in my head.

Last night, the director of the shelter where I am mentioned to me that a local hair salon wanted to donate some time to doing something for the residents here. She set it up for us while I was running around for appointments today. I came home to find that my daughter and i were to go to this salon. Haircuts and manicures. I had been in the salon a few times since I came here, but never really had the money free to buy anything. I kept telling my daughter we needed to wait until things settled down, so I could see how much money we had to spare (if any at all). Between getting the dental damage dealth with, new glasses to replace the damaged ones, and haircuts/manicures... I'm starting to feel a bit more... like my old self. The best part was the little happy dance my daughter did when she found out - I didn't tell her anything about it last night because I wanted to surprise her. I think her reaction, how happy she obviously was made just about everybody's day. Definitely a high point for us.

It's been a long few days, between appointments and apartment searching. Still no luck with the apartments, but at least the appointments are (mostly) out of the way until Friday. Then I get to go and (hopefully) pick up my new glasses.

Labels: abuse, beauty, charity, children, domestic violence, recovery

Sometimes, what he did was obviously domestic violence or abuse. Threatening and trying to kill me, for example. But what about other forms of mistreatment? Are they considered abusive?

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:
The Problem: What is Battering

Battering is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person with whom an intimate relationship is or has been shared through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Battering happens when one person believes that they are entitled to control another.

It's not just physical abuse, either (from National Women's Health Information Center):
What is Domestic and Intimate Partner Violence?

Domestic violence and abuse, also called intimate partner violence, is when one person purposely causes either physical or mental harm to another, including:

• physical abuse
• psychological or emotional abuse
• sexual assault
• isolation
• controlling all of the victim's money, shelter, time, food, etc.

The more I learn, the more I realise how much I still don't know. Education and information are two of the best tools we have to stop domestic violence.

Labels: abuse, bullying, control, economic abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, help, psychological abuse

I have about an hour to get ready to go to the dentist. I dislike going to the dentist to start with, but this time, they're going to be doing an extraction - and I really dislike having teeth pulled. This is the second broken tooth to be fixed recently. This one has been like this for a while - I could never get to the dentist before, so there are some long-standing problems to be dealt with.

So, in the middle of trying to find a place to live, facing the possibility of being moved to another domestic violence shelter if I can't, I get to have this done. And tomorrow is going to be a fun day too. I'm feeling very stressed by all this. Not that stress is anything new anyway.

I just hope that between getting my broken glasses replaced and my broken teeth dealt with, it's a sign that things are going to turn around. Or are starting to turn around. Or something like that. I am so worn out and so tired of dealing with all of this on a constant basis. I just want it to be over so badly. I am tired of taking the fall for things he did, that I couldn't stop. Even when he is nowhere near me, his abuse still causes me and the kids pain.

Labels: appointments, dentist, domestic violence, recovery

Since all this started, both my daughter and myself have had trouble sleeping. I worry about her. She was right there, right in the middle of it when he was hurting me this last time. She saw. She tried to call 911 on her cell phone, but she was too close to him and he took the phone away and hung it up. Then he turned it off so that they couldn't call back.

When it was all over, somehow, I think from sheer exhaustion, we fell asleep. Woke up the next morning curled up together. I woke up first, to find my baby girl clinging to me, whimpering and crying out in her sleep... "Mommy! Mommy! No, Mommy!" All I could do was hold her close and try to comfort her, whispering to her that Mommy was right there with her, Mommy was okay. It was heartbreaking. She finally woke up, looked at me with bleary, tired eyes, and murmured, "Mommy... You're okay, Mommy..." as she burrowed her head into the side of my neck and clung to me.

I just held her close and kissed the top of her head as tears slid silently from my eyes.

Tonight, I can't sleep. I dozed off briefly, maybe for about an hour, before it started. I woke up gasping for breath and covered in cold sweat. This time, I woke up before it got to the point of me waking up screaming and hysterical. Sometimes, I'm not so lucky. I'd love to be able to get a good night's sleep.

She's restless too. Almost 0600, and both of us have been awake for hours.

I saw this on Twitter:
Children kept awake by domestic violence, says NSPCC
(NSPCC is the UK's National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children)

Labels: abuse, children, domestic violence, nightmares

At the beginning of May of this year, I left my husband of 16 years. It was a catastrophic meltdown that finally did it. I put up with a lot of abuse from him over the years, and had left him before. So, why did I go back to him, if he had hurt me in the past? A lot of reasons. The first time, he told me that he was ill and basically preyed on my sympathy. The second, the reasons were more complex. I had been in a shelter and ran out of time to find a home - I am disabled and that makes finding affordable housing very difficult. I was sent to another shelter about 100 miles away, but my oldest child stayed in the county where I had been. He had gotten tangled up in the judicial system and I couldn't get back for one of his hearings. My husband was basically given custody. Between not being able to find an affordable home and him having my son (and me not having seen him in several months), it was a recipe for disaster.

I went back, and things seemed alright. I know it is difficult to understand if you've never been in this sort of situation, but I really wanted things to work out and to be okay. He had promised me that all the lies and deceit were behind us, that he'd never do that again. I wanted it to work so badly that even though I hesitated, I believed him.

It didn't take too long for him to fall back into old patterns. I did too. He started hiding the cordless phone (the only phone we had) and disconnecting the battery so that it wouldn't ring and I couldn't page it to find it. I wasn't allowed to leave the house, even to go to a small shop across the street, without him. He hid important documents and mail. He stole a check from my purse and wrote it out to the landlady. Of course, it bounced, but I didn't know the check had been written. He took one of my check refills and hid it. This would come back to haunt me.

When he went out one day, I went searching for the phone, and when I found it, the battery was disconnected. I reconnected it and called the bank. I was shocked when there was a check I didn't write that showed up on the automated account info. I was crying when he came home. I asked him if he wrote the check, and he denied it. Still crying, I asked if he was sure, please tell me the truth if you did. Still denied it, then accused me of being 'aggressive' and 'attacking' him (while I was kneeling at the side of the bed, crying). I went and looked in my box of extra checks, and found that one refill was missing. He told me it must have happened when I was moving back, that they'd probably fallen out of the box. It made sense, sort of. Again, I fooled myself.

He said he'd reported the missing checks to the police, and that they'd be coming by to handle the situation. Of course, this, too, was a lie. Every time the police had supposedly come, I was in the shower, in the bathroom, etc. I started to wonder why they never came when I was able to talk to them. I said I'd like to call them and talk to the officers. Naturally, he said he'd handle it. And the phone remained hidden.

Finally, I got my hands on the phone again and had my internet banking access fixed. (I could have gone to the library and use that, but I had forgotten some of the account access info and was never able to get it fixed because of not being able to use the phone.) I logged on... and my stomach turned over when I saw the check he'd written. It was obvious that he had written it, but he still insisted that he didn't. Finally, I told him that while looking for the phone, I had come across the lease and while I didn't remember everything it said, I definitely remembered the landlady's name. At that point, his story changed.

Now, the check was written because he needed a bounced check or an eviction notice to get help with the rent from a local charity. Supposedly, the landlady knew about it. I asked why, if she knew, did she resubmit the check for payment. He claimed that it needed to have 2 insufficient funds stamps on it. I told him that they only stamp them once.

From that point, things went downhill fast. Within a week, things had reached a critical point. I couldn't take any more and told him he had been lying to me and stealing from me, and I now knew it. His response was awful. I don't even remember all of what was said. I just remember the 'big things'. The things that were so bad that they pretty much blot out everything surrounding them.

So, life has been pretty overwhelming for me lately. I never dreamed I'd be in this situation again, and I think, even now that a little time has passed, I'm still just a bit shellshocked. I'm trying to dig through all the things I'm feeling - they (counselors) have told me that what I feel is completely normal. It doesn't feel normal though.

Labels: abuse, domestic violence, survivor