Been AWOL for a while, because things went sideways again. Denied an apartment because of "past history". (It seems like everything I try to do falls apart because of "past history" - things I didn't do, that my husband did, that I somehow always seem to take the damage for.) Have been moved to another shelter, where I have had a very hard time finding internet access, which is why I was AWOL.

Right after we left that place, my daughter's friend was killed in an accident. I tried to get her back to the area to go to the memorial service, but nothing I tried worked. I feel terrible about it. I did the best I could.

I have called HUD's district office about the problems I've had and am still having with the housing authority. They "investigated". How did they investigate? Basically, they called the housing authority and asked them if they did anything wrong. Of course, they said they didn't. Go figure.

Next step? Calling Washington DC to have them take a look at it. I also called and filed a formal complaint. I tried asking the fraud hotline to investigate me for fraud again. Last time they found no evidence that I'd done anything wrong. This time, they just gave me the number to file the complaint.

I refuse to shut up, back down. I told the district office that last time I was forced into going back because I couldn't find a place I could afford on my own, my husband tried to kill me (again), and that if I was forced to go back again and it is entirely possible that I could die, that it is like strapping me into the electric chair and not telling me when they're going to throw the switch.

Well, today is Independence Day.

I want it to be a true independence day for me. I want my freedom from this situation. Actually, no. I want it to be a true independence day not just for myself, but for anyone else who is in my situation. I want all of us to have our freedom.

What freedoms do I want to claim for myself?

Freedom from violence.
Freedom from intimidation.
Freedom from manipulation.
Freedom from deceit.
Freedom from abuse.
Freedom from fear.
Freedom to move on from the past.

Basic freedoms that we should all be entitled to, but that some of us live without. Basic freedoms that are often taken for granted.

Happy Independence Day.

Labels: abuse, domestic violence, freedom, independence, recovery, survivor

I've commented several times about economic abuse and domestic violence. I guess in part because it feels to me like so many people just don't understand what I'm trying to tell them. Yesterday, for example, I had a government worker tell me that it was my 'personal responsibility' to make sure that my husband was being honest about the finances, work, etc. But how?

I wasn't allowed to use the phone without supervision at best. (This escalated to him hiding the phone and removing batteries so I couldn't use it at all. And when I did find it and fix the batteries. It was not a pretty scene when I got caught.)

I couldn't go out without him knowing exactly where I was going, and he'd check up on me, make sure I'd gone where I said I had. No side trips allowed. I couldn't even go across the street to the store without him. If I tried, he'd make me wait. I'd beg, tell him the place was going to close in just a few minutes and I needed to go immediately, but he'd stop me and make me wait even then. Even when it was for something necessary for the house.

Heck, friends once invited me out of state to visit, because they said I was very stressed and needed some time to decompress. I was away for a few hours, when hubby showed up unannounced. And stayed. He'd borrowed a car to trail me.

So. How was I to check up on him, make sure he was doing what he was supposed to? And at what risk to myself? One time I did find and use the telephone, and he was angry at me for 'snooping', because I found where he'd hidden the phone. Angry abusers are dangerous. Period.

This article interested me:
Domestic Violence Can Also Include Economic Abuse

The little-publicized stepchild of domestic violence, economic abuse involves manipulating a partner by controlling his or her finances. Perpetrators' tactics can include forcing their partners to sign over their paychecks and purposely racking up debt to ruin victims' credit.

This is some of what he did to me. My credit is destroyed, and is making it very hard for me to be able to rent an apartment. No matter that I didn't do any of it. Trying to explain to landlords and rental agents about it doesn't seem to help, either. So. Where does that leave me?

Even so, almost 70 percent of people responding to a recent national survey said they see no link between economic abuse and domestic violence.

Not surprising to me. In fact, it pretty much explains a lot of the roadblocks I'm running into while trying to start my life over.

"Most people haven't even heard of economic abuse," said Jennifer McGrath, spokeswoman for the Allstate Foundation Economics Against Abuse program, which commissioned the study. "When we tell them, people just sit back. It's their aha moment. It's so powerful.

"A lot of times, people will say, 'Why doesn't she just leave?' But if you've been forced to hand over your paycheck, how are you supposed to find a place to stay and put food on the table?"

Good question. Even though I've left him, I'm still dealing with the damage he did to me financially. Many people still seem to blame me for what he did, even though there was really nothing I could do to stop it or change it. Even speaking up and questioning him nearly cost me my life.

There are many places to turn for help with other aspects of domestic violence. For physical abuse, you can go to the hospital, doctors, police, domestic violence shelters, even the court system for protection orders. For emotional abuse, there is counseling, mental health help and therapy. For sexual abuse, police, therapists, doctors, hospitals and the courts can help. For economic abuse? I have found little to no help for this, which makes trying to recover from it all the harder.

I would love to see some sort of 'clean slate' law for domestic violence survivors that would allow a victim to basically qualify for a special type of bankruptcy, one that wouldn't show up on the credit report in the same way a standard bankruptcy does, and is offered on a sliding fee scale, even free if necessary. A victim would have to essentially file for a normal bankruptcy and go through the standard procedures. Additional documentation of the abuse would be required, but would have to be something from the authorities, such as police reports or an order of protection. Allowing this type of bankruptcy would give victims a better chance of being able to start their lives over.

Labels: abuse, bankruptcy, credit, do, domestic violence, economic abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, recovery, survivor

Stinks. I am having so much trouble finding a place that I keep running out of time at shelters. I look online because I am no longer in the area where I lived before because of the time limits in shelters. So, I found a place that looked/sounded good. Went by to see it - a sort of driveby/peek in the windows type thing. It was, in fact, vacant. I'd replied to an ad online about it, and had gotten the address in an email. Up to that point, it looked good. The house is lovely, right in an area that would be really good for my family, and (barely) in my price range.

Now for the fun part. I am really scared to go forward with it because I am worried that it might be a scam. I've spent a big chunk of the morning trying to find out more information about it... Time that I really don't have. Supposedly, if I want the place I can have it, but something just feels... weird. I'm hoping to get some more information back from an outside source soon. That'll be the deciding factor. If it's genuine, I'll take it. If not... It'll be devastating.

Labels: domestic violence, economic abuse, fraud, housing, recovery, scams, survivor, theft

Thanks to WomensLaw.org Reports for this post:
Economic Abuse: What is it?

It makes so much sense to me, reading this. It has made it so hard for me to leave, what he did to my credit, bank accounts, housing history. Sometimes, it feels like I'll never be able to leave it behind me. Like I'll never really have a chance to recover.

Labels: abuse, domestic violence, economic abuse, financial abuse

Isn't always easy. For me, today, it was painful. Very painful. Despite the fact that I am angry at my husband, furious, in fact, I do still love him. And this morning, I went to the police and filed a report against him for stealing my checks and using them. I took copies of the checks and bank records as evidence, copies of the letters the merchant has sent demanding payment for the debt... even showed the chief of police the time/date stamp on my temporary Protection from Abuse order, which I was filing when the check was written.

I haven't cried yet, but I can feel it coming. I hate to see him arrested and possibly sent to jail for anything, really. Even though he did some terrible things to me, basically put me and the kids through hell, I didn't want to do this. I just didn't have a choice.

I have always stood up and taken responsibility when he's made mistakes and done things that are wrong. Mainly when it came to the bank, I always took the fall. I can't do it again. Especially now. All I have left is the kids. And if I were to take the fall for this, financially, it would hurt. It would bite heavily into what money I have to support the kids. Legally, I could go to prison myself, and probably have a pretty good chance of doing so because I've always taken responsibility for this in the past. If that were to happen, what about the kids? Where would they go? Given what's happened, I don't know how their father would handle the responsibility, don't know anything about his living situation, and that scares me. Foster care? It could happen, and that scares me too.

Maybe it'll be a good thing for him if he is arrested and goes to jail. He'd finally have to face the consequences of his actions. Maybe he'll learn something from it - my son did.

Labels: abuse, domestic violence, financial abuse, fraud, recovery, survivor, theft

I've said before that there is more to domestic violence than just the physical abuse. One of the most effective tools my abuser had at his disposal was finances. Money. Without it, how can a victim leave? For me, it wasn't just a denial of money. There was more to it.

I ended up with my credit destroyed, which is making it very difficult for me to find an apartment. It also cost me jobs. I applied for a job, and everything looked good... until they requested my credit score because I would have access to a company credit card. Nevermind that I have no idea what most of the items on my credit report are because I didn't authorize them.

He forged checks on my personal bank account. Stole one right out of my purse; he stole it from the middle of the checkbook, knowing I don't often write checks. When he went out to the store one night, I found the phone (he hid it and disconnected the battery - it was a cordless, and the only one we had) and called the bank - I was shocked. A huge check that I didn't write had posted to my account and bounced. Huh? So I opened my box of refills.. and guess what? One of the refill packs was missing, too. Never did find it, but I know now that he took it. He wrote a check from it while I was at the courthouse filing my protection from abuse order. Again, it bounced, and I was assessed a fee. Even though I had placed a stop order on the check.

I had had housing assistance. He was head of household at the end. He took full advantage of that and lied to them, too. Of course, the housing authority refuses to acknowledge that I didn't know anything about it until it was too late, and now I can't get help with affording a place on my own.

So - he's managed to leave me with ruined credit, a looted bank account, not enough income to afford a place (I'm disabled) and being told I can't receive assistance... and I'm supposed to start over HOW?

Labels: abuse, credit, domestic violence, financial abuse, housing, recovery, survivor